Slowly, the shift from overdoing ( my intention for this sabbatical) is beginning to take place. The surprise is that I am still "doing" quite a lot. I am still sessioning with a few people. I am still performing the multiple tasks of staying warm in
the coldest winter on record. I am still reading...writing...staying connected with family and friends...doing an online practice course (very little reading) in Contemplative Presence...and multiple other "doings."
But a shift is beginning,
only now, to take place, and only for brief moments that I notice.
I am sleeping more completely. I am not preoccupied with work. I am often breathing more deeply and slowly. I am - closest to the truth - becoming more and more aware of spaces
between things, and my presence in them. No longer do I go from one thing to another without stopping at all, or multitasking, which in the past I called "building a momentum of doing" until I was anxious and fatigued and sometimes overwhelmed. It
has taken this long to realize that such a way of life cannot be changed by going to a different place and disengaging from the familiar and setting aside blocks of time for meditation (sometimes that's helpful but not always.) That is how I would bring about
change in my earlier life, and it did not bring lasting change, and certainly not transformation. "it is possible to be too receptive, which takes us out of the activity of doing something new in the world..." (Sardello)
Now, it's in the midst of the
ordinary that I am learning, or as Sardello says "becoming aware of non-doing in whatever I am doing." His pointing out that it is in "holding the active and receptive aspects
of life in close relation with each other, not as separate," is slowly giving me a sense of what real wholeness is like in living, not in thinking or reading about it.
But I am a very awkward beginner and continue to take tiny steps into a
new way of encountering the daily world...tiny shifts towards balance...